Child Protection Meeting, one year on.

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Child Protection Meeting, one year on.

I was planning on doing some work today, once i have wrapped the rest of the presents…Santa’s Elves are too busy to wrap this many gifts…

We dropped Toddle and The Boy off at playgroup & School and came home after having the car washed at Tesco and trying out their (actually surprising good) breakfasts.

I suppose, i am stalling here, this is not what i came on to write about..

Anyway, the window cleaner has been and gone and just before he rang the bell for payment, i fell in to the wooden frame of the vintage settee we have, whilst trying to catch a falling present from the shelf above, and i bumped my knee. Now this is nothing unusual for me, or anyone..accidents happen, but to me more than most.

I am incredibly clumsy and have atrocious spacial awareness.

I fell on the floor surrounded by the massive pile of paper and toys, and broke down…half crying, half screaming in agony, half holding back laughter that was involuntary because i know how ridiculous that it is that i am crying so pathetically at my hurting knee. I am in so much of a silly mess, that Guy gets the door to the window cleaner, and i am still stuck on the floor when he returns. Very stupid. Then, i got up, with his assistance, got myself a tissue and should have been fine…but something just clicked as i saw the time on the coffee machine (yes, a clock on the coffee machine, it is a new Ninja coffee maker with a clock on it…cus we is posh ennit).

Again, i’m stalling…

So i realise that today is exactly one year since the Child Protection meeting.

It was 11:59am that i noticed the time on the clock, and it dawned on me, that this time last year i was sick, sick to my utter core that i had no idea what to expect in only a few hours time. And in that time, our lives could be changed forever.

I had this total tripe report that was filled with inaccuracies and blatant lies, and a massive misunderstanding of Autism PDA. And a massive misinterpretation of everything i had ever said or done in order to help and protect my Autistic son, and my then one year old son in turn.

I feel so fucking hurt, still today, my heart just exploded out of no where and i am regurgitating every single second from now, (the time is 12:08) to the end of that day, one year ago. At this point a year ago i was clock watching like you would never believe, I had to go to the toilet and change my underwear TWICE, yes, TWICE, because i had actually shit myself with fear, and the pain of not being in control of my life clearly followed through to a lack of control of my entire body. I was actually rather numb come to think of it. I could not believe that what was about to take place would really ever happen to genuinely honest and good people who love their children more than anything. It still seems unreal, impossible that my children could now, this very day, be in the care of strangers. My two beautiful boys, so amazing, so loved, so unimaginably incredible, so very nearly taken away from us. Very nearly removed from their loving home. And very nearly taken away from very loving, innocent parents. This is the power that the authorities have to ruin lives. As if the boys’ lives was held in the balance like that, how is it possible that their very existence was temporarily tampered with? As if people with no insight were capable of changing my children’s lives forever?…placing them in jeopardy like that, making them vulnerable and potentially, now, living away from each other, with strangers?! Merry fucking christmas indeed.

We were on Child Protection, and we now are not..However, this meltdown today is surely akin to Post Traumatic Stress? And is clearly a result of their total incompetence and and heartbreaking allegations and subsequent actions. My whole life fell apart, and it is still not mended, by any stretch of the imagine will this ever go away.

I had a silent miscarriage before i became pregnant with The Boy, it was picked up at our 12 week scan, and subsequently i had my dead foetus ‘evacuated’ from my body. Every year i remember that feeling of loss, and every day surrounding the sad event is an anniversary of it’s own kind. Yet, over time the pain has passed as i enjoy my two beautiful boys. And this Child Protection anniversary feels like that, but a million trillion times worse. And for a hell of a longer period…Our family Christmas was ruined and our 2016 crushed in the worst way possible. The NHS and Social Services were and are responsible for the ongoing pain i experience every time i think about the incidents of last year and every time i remember that my two boys could have been taken from me. Torn from their own lives. Siblings together, taken from each other.

The Authorities raped me in that process, they tore apart my entire self, and as a result, they took to my womb with a rusty wire coat hanger and scraped out the remnants of my self confidence, belief and trust i had in anyone..They potentially ripped away every part of my maternal instinct that led me to being the good mother that i was, and as it happens, still am.

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